The Pursuit Of Happiness
The below is a conversation that happens to often with the women in my life. With her permission (leaving her name anonymous), I wanted to share our with my readers.
*Please note there have been parts of the conversation that were omitted for confidentiality purposes.*
(My homegirl): Kea, I don't know if I'm happy right now.
(Me): Lmao you will be. You will be. When have I ever steered you wrong. ConfidentlyHer was stressful, but felt good when I saw it come to fruition and then it was over.
(My homegirl): Lol yea but even with that, like I don't know. I'm just in a weird space and my equilibrium has been off for the last few months. I'm just trying to figure it out.
(My homegirl): Alright.
(Me): Girl you got this God wouldn't bring you to this moment if he wasn't going to see you through.
(My homegirl): I mean, it's not even that. I'm just trying to find balance in all of this and it's like...you do all these great things, hit these goals, and something is still missing. It's weird for me right now.
(Me): You haven't hit your personal goals. When they sync up then you will feel like it's whole. Your professional shit is wavy. Now that you accomplished that, you work on the goals we discussed this weekend. We made a pact, stick to it.
(My homegirl): Yea.
(My homegirl): Your right, its just a lot. I'm struggling to find me time and I feel guilty once I get it.
(Me): Don't feel guilty about putting yourself first. You're going to run yourself thin and have health problems if you don't take care of you. Trust me, I've seen it happen.
(My homegirl): I feel it happening.
(Me): And you don't want to get sick like Tamar Braxton and all the great things that are happening start to be removed from your life because you're not taking care of numero uno.
(My homegirl): Right, I just feel like I need a full weekend to regroup, go on a trip, something. i don't feel like myself. Like I feel like I'm just coasting, energy is all off. Went to church, pray everyday, try and go running. I dunno.
I usually can kick back into a good space. But the fact that if I'm hanging out with people and they can kinda pick up on my stress really bothers me. I really pride myself on being a jovial, light-hearted person. And yea when work needs to get done, it'll get done. But I don't want grind mode to become something that I can't allow myself to be myself when I'm in that space.
Like granted, it's okay to drink or whatever. but this whole weekend I feel like I was low-key drunk. Felt like I'm actually Being Mary Jane. I'm working hard, finally go out, and turn the fuck up (again nothing wrong with that), but then it's like surface level treatments instead of directly resolving the real issue...I'm just not that happy right now, honestly.
(Me): What makes you happy?
(My homegirl): friends, family, dance, travel, adventure, being listened to and appreciated, views (no drake, like actual views), deep convos, meditating, feeling healthy and I've worked on seeing my loved ones and going back to the basics with that, but it just feels like -- something is off
(Me): What do you think will make you happy?
(My homegirl): I don't know. I really feel like I need to do a solo trip and just sit with myself. I thought I had a lot of shit figured out, but for whatever reason, I'm a bit confused.
(Me): Confused about what? Why do you have to make yourself feel guilty about being human, being a woman?
(My homegirl): I don't know. I just feel like I created this vision board right, way back when with all of the things I wanted to accomplish, what I would look like, the kind if car I would have, etc etc. I know it'll get done. I'm more concerned about the direction I'm going in just being my own woman. Like, it's less about all of the accomplishments now -- I've been flourishing for years to be honest. Now, who I am as a person is what's concerning me a little bit.
(Me): You will forever change and grow as you evolve into the woman God has intended you to be. Experiences shape and mold you into who you are. People, life lessons play a part as well. But loving and accepting who you are now and knowing that you will not be that same woman a year from now is what matters. And its ok to be searching and figuring out who you are. But figuring that out takes time and commitment to yourself. Asking yourself the hard questions and accepting a lot of self-truths that will be revealed during that journey. You will never know those things until you make yourself a priority.
Conversation Ended Due To Our 9 to 5 hustle and bustle.
After transcribing our conversation into this blog post, it left me pondering on the following questions:
How do we find balance within the imbalance?
Can we truly be happy with ourselves despite our accomplishments?
Do we end up neglecting ourselves personally in order to be successful professionally?
What is happiness? Is it constant?
I need to sit on the questions above more, but there will be a part two to this post. More to come soon!